Monday 31 December 2012

2012 be gone!


2012 Year Review

It’s that time of year again where everybody is doing “year end” columns and blogs where they recap what happened in the year and highlighting all the important social and cultural events that shaped the year for all of us. Who can be fucked reading another one of those eh? I know I fucking can’t! Instead, I'm going to use this blog as a chance to plug things that I like and vaguely link them to the theme of 2012. The theme I’ve gone for is “Things I’ve given up on happening thanks to 2012”. Enjoy this blog or I’ll come round to where you live and do nothing to you as I’m a giant coward and far too lazy to leave the house to hurt anyone. Who can be arsed going on a killing spree motivated only by revenge? It’s raining outside for Gods sake! I’m writing this as an excuse not move a telly as I don’t want to get my hair wet. I’m a cunt really aren’t I? Oh well, best I know now rather than going through life deluded. Here’s the things I was wot going to rite aboot.

I have given up on Charlie Brooker ever replying to one of my tweets

This is a bit of a sore one for me. By reading anything I’ve written since about 2007 (Especially the opening paragraph of this article) it’ll be obvious to all but a blind yak (and even subconsciously they would have an inkling) that I am a massive fan of Charlie Brooker. For a while the only reason I had twitter was so I could read his, admittedly hilarious, tweets. After sitting back and reading them for a few months I realised that Charlie would actually respond to some people if they tweeted him directly. I sent a few tweets first just off the cuff hoping he’d reply. He never did. I had long given up hope that any “celebrity” would reply to one of my tweets but in the space of 2-3 months in 2012 suddenly people started replying. Richard Keys, Ade Edmonson and some tit called Percy Carey all replied to my tweets. Then I had what could only be described as a “Nerdgasm” when Dominik Diamond replied to one of my tweets. Yes Dominik Diamond. THAT Dominik Diamond. The man who I named my game review blogs after. To say I was delighted would have been an understatement. Never having such a good twitter run before, I decided I’d try Charlie Brooker again. Surely he’d reply now? The odds were on my side now right? Wrong. So yeah, I’ve pretty much accepted that the only time I’ll have a shred of conversation with Mr Brooker will be if I assault him in a darkened stairwell and that not’s very likely. Still, check out his twitter and follow him if you don’t already. The links below. Follow Charlie or I’ll come round your house and gut you like a fish! Maybe.


 

I have given up on ever writing a novel

This year I was delighted to hear that my good pal Xander Cooper had not only finished his novel but that it had also been picked up by a publisher. Prose has always been something that I’ve struggled with myself. Script writing, blogging and even *shudder* poetry seem to be much easier for me to get my pea brain around. I took prose workshop in University thinking I’d finally be able to get my fiction prose juices flowing. I’d finally write that wonderful book I’d always wanted to write. It’d be funny/exciting/life affirming/sexy and I’d be held in the same reverence as Iain Banks/CS Lewis/Ben Elton. It never happened. The best word to describe my prose is “mulchy”. I may have just made that up. If I have, it only proves how underwhelming my prose is. If I was good I’d be able to come up with a much cooler word like “Fuckstrocity” but sadly I am not that man. Xander Cooper clearly is. Please visit Amazon and pick his book up or I’ll come round your house and stick a butter knife down your ear hole! Possibly.


 

I have given up on Everton ever winning the League Cup (Non-football fans should move onward)

Despite not winning anything since 1995, Everton FC’s trophy haul is pretty impressive all things considered. 9 League Titles and 5 FA Cups isn’t too shabby when you consider Only Man United, Arsenal and Liverpool can only really claim to have been that successful in both League and Cup (Chelsea don’t count based that had it not been for an eccentric Russian gazillionaire pumping the fiscal equivalent of 500 rupees from Zelda into them they most likely wouldn’t have won a fucking sausage after 2002). Spurs have been highly successful in the FA Cup and Leeds, Notts Forrest and Aston Villa have also had a fair amount of success both in the league and cup competitions. However, one domestic trophy still outwits Everton every year and that is the Coca Cola/Worthington/Capital One/Milk Cup, better known to people who aren’t twats as “The Football League Cup”. It’s named as such as you can only compete for this cup if you play in the Football League. Like Ronsil Wood Stain, it does what it says on the tin. Everton have been in the Football league since the 50’s and this cup has been going since the 60’s. This has given Everton around 50 years to win the chuffing thing and they still haven’t managed it.

Sure they’ve reached the final on a few occasions but they have never been able to win the actual cup itself. Liverpool have won it loads of times and they care so little about the thing that winning it was deemed a sackable offence for their most recent manager Kenneth Dalglish. This grates my soul. I can honestly say that if you said Everton could either win the FA Cup or the League Cup I’d choose the three handled monstrosity that is the League Cup in a heartbeat. This year I genuinely thought it’d be Everton’s year. In the first round they slaughtered Leyton Orient 5-0. It was a visceral dismantling and Steven Naismith got a hat trick which led me to think for a split second that he was the perfect replacement for Tim Cahill (HA!). The drubbing was so emphatic that when Everton were up 4-0 the Orient fans began chanting “How shit are you? You’ve only scored 4!”. The fifth goal shut their cheeky gobs. I left Goodison filled with optimism that maybe this could actually be Everton’s year. No, it WOULD be their year. They were finally going to win the Milk Cup and 50 years of failure would be sand blasted from history. They would finally have picked up every domestic honour and there would be one less stick for Liverpool fans to beat us over the head with. The absurdly beautiful three handled trophy would be making it’s way to Goodison’s trophy cabinet. March 2013 would see Everton in the final at Wembley! It was almost set in stone. I could see Phil Neville walking up those Wembley steps his cheerful chipmunk face beaming with pride! Then they were knocked out in the next round by Leeds United.

Watch this video or I’ll come round your house and stick charcoal down your nickers! Doubtful.


 

I have given up hope of ever marrying Sienna Miller

Pretty self explanatory this one really. Below is a video of Sienna being adorable. Watch it or I’ll come round your house and yadda, yadda, yadda


 

So yeah, that was 2012. Hurray! I’m going to go and weep softly in a corner for a few hours and then play a video game and commit an atrocity, because that’s what they do, apparently. BYE!!!