This and That with Mike Fitzgerald 14/06/2010 - This is a little bit bitter, be warned

I’m sure Julie Burchill the person is lovely. She’s no doubt an intelligent and perfectly likeable lass. But as a columnist and TV Presenter she gets right on my wick. She’s like a creature from Hell that is no longer merely happy living in the dark catacombs suckling on Satan’s teat. She instead wishes to rise up into the realm of the living, destroying all who get in her way.

I’ve had this rant in me for a while, tucked away at the back of my mind for future reference. However, it’s come charging to forefront of my consciousness again, thanks to The Independent. The Independent is my favourite paper and I buy it often. It’s a source of enjoyment in my usually dire existence. However, when I picked up my copy of The Independent today to be met with a massive headline reading “Julie Burchill’s new column”. Yeah it was right there on the front page, like it was a bloody selling point. Like we were all supposed to be delighted that we would now all be able to “enjoy” Burchill’s words and thoughts every week.

For the uninitiated with Julie, she’s a deeply unpleasant presence that seemingly hates everything, but not in a humorous way like Charlie Brooker. She’s like Brooker’s nemesis. Similarities are there. There’s the trademark bitterness and the fearless ability to attack all whom exist. The difference is that Charlie Brooker has charm and a general feeling of humour in his work. Burchill retains all of the bitterness with none of the humour. Have you seen Julie Burchill trying to be funny? Every time she writes something she considers witty, a Care Bear dies.

Her Wikipedia entry declares that she once referred to herself as a “militant feminist”. Now I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt her, seeing as Wikipedia isn’t exactly an expertly run database of fact. But if she did indeed say that then I can only roll my eyes. Anyone who refers to themselves as a “militant” anything deserves a right talking to. It’s just another way of saying you’re an unreasonable and vile piece of gob shite.

I first became aware of Burchill’s work years ago when she made a documentary looking at Chavs. The basic gist of the documentary was that Chavs were actually fine upstanding young folk who had been unfairly type cast by the middle classes in a wicked scheme to keep these good old “salt of the Earth” youngsters under the thumb. The documentary seemed to ignore the fact that there’s actually a fair amount of Middle Class tossers out there who could easily be described as being Chavs. I should know as I fucking went to school with some of them. Being a Chav and being Working Class are not mutually exclusive. I hated Burchill instantly.

The second documentary I saw by Burchill involved her looking at how Reality TV had affected British Society. The most sickening part of this documentary involved her presenting Jade Goody as a Working Class hero who made herself famous despite the fact that “Middle Class Snobs” had tried to hold her down. The documentary involved Burchill and Jade going to an “old fashioned west end pie shop” like they were Lenin and Trotsky drinking cheap Vodka in a run down Moscow bar discussing the rise of the communist nation.

Let’s just ignore the fact that Jade Goody was immensely annoying in Big Brother. And let’s also ignore the fact that the biggest detractor to old Jade was The Sun which is the paper in England most popular with the Working Classes. Let’s also ignore that in said newspaper, countless numbers of Working Class readers sent in letters agreeing with the columnists views that Jade was a generally annoying person. Let’s ignore ALL that and Julie Burchill may just have a point to make. Maybe.

Anyway, what was Burchill’s column about today? Her main point was that if you’re rich you can get away with being racist and offensive. It centred on Roman Polanski and Mel Gibson and how both of them had “gotten away” with their indiscretions thanks to money. Last time I checked, anyone with half a brain had pilloried Polanski and Gibson is pretty much an international laughing stock with anyone intelligent enough to spell “poo face”. This doesn’t stop Burchill kicking up a right fuss mind. Apparently it’s all a big conspiracy being led by the Middle Classes to crush this and that etc, etc, etc. I’d also be interested to see what Burchill thought about her best mate Jade being heinously racist to Shilpa Shetty on Celebrity Big Brother. Last time I checked, Jade wasn’t exactly living out of a dumpster at that point in her life.

Just to make it clear, I have nothing personal against Jade Goody. I just didn’t like the way she was used by Burchill to suit her own means.

Burchill also used the column to attack Frankie Boyle for telling offensive jokes. Last time I checked, Frankie Boyle’s whole shtick is that he tells incredibly offensive jokes for the simple that that they’re incredibly offensive. To take Frankie Boyle seriously is up there with thinking “Spinal Tap” is a real documentary or thinking that Terry Venables can sing.

Anyway, I’ve ranted enough. I don’t like Julie Burchill. Let’s leave it at that.

So, the World Cup is finally over and I know you all want to ask the same question. What channel did I watch the final on? The answer is BBC1 with CBBC commentary. Let me tell you, if you’ve had a hard day then there’s nothing better than watching an international sporting event commentated on by guys from Blue Peter. It was actually quite funny in places, although it got a little creepy with the hosts constant encouragement for the kids to “ask mum and dad if you can stay up just a little longer”. As much as I love Adrian Chiles, and that’s not a joke, I had to go with the BBC for the simple reason that adverts are the bane of my existence. That and I thought I’d justify my licence fee by watching the channel it actually pays for.

The main talking point from the final seems to be the SHOCKING actions of referee Howard Webb. Apparently, both Spain and Holland were angry that he gave out loads of yellow cards. Imagine that, a referee giving players yellow cards for yellow cardable offences! The SWINE!!!

As for Big Brother, all I can say is that I hope John-James and Josey get married and have lots of kids. They can get Ben in to baby sit sometimes. It’ll be excellent! Can you imagine Ben trying to cook tea for 7 hungry half Bristol, half Australian kids. There’s a sitcom there, I’m sure of it!

Oh and Corin has now replaced Cievarrrrrggggghhhhhhhhh, as my least favourite house mate. She just winds me up with her constant false enthusiasm. Let’s hope we don’t bump into each other in Stockport at some point.

See you on Friday when I review Modern Warfare II